The Beginning.

The constant question I pose to myself: What do I have to share? To give? To say?

I wonder. I hope I give goodness, truth, love...but do I?

My old, persistent response of fear, lurking just below the dark surface of my mind-waters: Nothing.

You have nothing to say. 

I would never think to say to another human being, "You have nothing to share or give," because I do not believe it. However, until now, I have always held a special place in the World of Mandy: I hold the exclusive title of The One Who Is Never Enough. Before, I would cringe or cry at the voice of my inner opponent who whispers seductively, You are not enough. Each time it was uttered at the edge of my mind, I would fall into the old trap, cower away, diminish with apology in surrender to the beast. I would continue meekly with my work, sure it was insufficient and futile. Now, I have come to the startling awareness that this short, powerful phrase has taken hold as my personal mantra. I have come to believe it so innately that I have repeatedly denied many practices and people that bring me joy and serve my highest good, simply because I cannot conceive of deserving them.

I have grown too much to continue with this unhelpful pattern. I state all of this, plainly and openly, so as to give myself permission to do two important things:

One, to laugh at my foolishness. I do not laugh with judgment or malice anymore, just amusement. Oh, the folly of the ego! The wily creature thinks it is so clever. It forgets that I care too much about the world to let it have its way forever. How long do you think I could be distracted by your antics, little ego? There is a life much bigger to attend to! I will receive your whisperings with a less-reactive ear, a more understanding heart, and a more expansive mind so that I remain aware of the smallness of what you say.

Two, to lighten the burden on my spirit so as to move into the realm of being a Person with Something to Say. The denial of my self is the denial of a particular, miraculous wonder, a cosmic phenomenon confined to the frame of a tiny, precious body. So much in the world, the universe, supersedes the bounded imagination of human beings; why, then, waste my time rejecting the Truth present in the same space-time within which I find myself? There is no use resisting the possibility of my own wisdom, or anyone else's. The world is too pain-full to contribute my useless, self-induced suffering. So, I release. I am letting go of my fears of failure and rejection. With empty arms, I welcome the New.

My writing begins now, under a full moon in the wee hours of the morning as snow softly lands outside my window. The world is too big to shut out. I am too small to resist its wonder. Tonight, I vow to surrender to the infinite potential for goodness to pour from the cosmos, through me, into the cosmos. I promise to trust that, although what I have to say may not be perfect or even useful, the practice of saying it is of service to all. I lean into the possibility of speaking and being heard with thanks; of offering and being received with grace; of simply being who I am and knowing it is enough, and more than I can imagine.

Humbly, I extend my gratitude to you, dear reader, who are the unwitting aid to my spiritual progress.

I have much to give.

We all have so much to give...and it is vital that we free that vast potential.

Peace to you.